Note From a One Year Old Priest!

I am celebrating the first anniversary of my priesthood a wonderful, perhaps the greatest, the gift of God. I have been wondering as to how to describe this gift of God. Honestly, there aren't any words to describe the joy of being a priest, to act in the name of Christ, to offer consolation and guidance, above all, to part of someone's life whom I otherwise would've never known. To express priesthood in the words of St. Paul, it is "a treasure in clay jars" (2 Cor. 4, 7). While priesthood is holy, a priest is, I am, far from being holy many a time. It's a mystery why God chooses some people, most importantly why has God chosen me? It is and shall be a mystery!
While a priest deals with the holy he remains very much earthly, sometimes even lacking humaneness that is expected of anyone. Very often I would like to tell Jesus the very words of St. Peter, "depart from me O Lord, for I'm a sinful man" (Lk. 5, 8). After all these years of being in formation, as a priest, I am torn between the concerns of the Spirit and the affairs of the world. As there is a voice deep within to seek His will, there is a tendency to look for finer pastures on my own. There is a deep hole within that I try to fill with everything of the world other than God. Choosing God, I have come to realize, doesn't necessarily liberate anyone from being ordinary, shallow and silly at times. There have been moments flooded with grace as there have been moments of emptiness and despair. While as a priest I felt I belong to a greater human family, there have been moments I felt completely alone, no one to lean on. Even God seemed to be far away, and the image of an unbearable human psyche! While I have felt compelled to preach about the lofty thoughts my life seemed to the contradiction of the very ideals I outwardly upheld. No inner demon is slayed completely even as one receives the greatest of all graces, the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in a radical way through the sacred ordination.
The desire for name and fame, the gnawing hunger for social approval, the temptation to climb the ladder keep lingering, often blurring one's vision and jeopardizing the call to serve. What about my impulses, prejudices, self-righteous I'm-holier-than-thou and I'm-better-than-many attitudes? They keep popping out now and then. All that I, like a child believed, will vanish with the grace of ordination hasn't disappeared.
Does it then mean priesthood is meaningless? In no way! With all the inner and outer struggles the words of our Blessed Lord keep echoing: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor. 12, 9). My own struggles have led me to understand the struggles of many; taught me patience and fall back to Him all the time. I don't look for answers to the innumerable odds of life but learnt to pray for the strength of character, to rise again rather than wallowing knowing fully well that I cannot walk alone. I need others to carry my cross sometimes and above all, as a priest, I need God more. I thank God each day for the gift of priesthood bestowed on me though unworthy I'm. The priesthood is the most amazing yet baffling; a blessing yet a challenge. As I praise God I gratefully remember every single person God has brought into my life.

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